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All My Ex's Live in Toronto/Transcript
Physics Customer: What's that, quantum physics? Wanda Dollard: Yeah. I'm fascinated that light could be a particle and a wave. I was gonna study it in college but I got interested in biochemistry, and then on a whim settled on linguistics with a minor in comparative religion. Physics Customer: Wow. How'd ya end up in a place like this? Wanda: The last girl quit. Can you believe it? Lacey Burrows (phone): Yeah, well, I can't stop you, Stephen, if you want to come. Well, if you have to come. Okay, I'll see you then. Bye. Hank Yarbo: Who was that, your veterinarian? Lacey: Ah, no. That was my fiance, my ex fiance. He's coming to Dog River. Emma Leroy: You're being unreasonable. Oscar Leroy: You say that every every time... Emma: You get unreasonable. A man your age should go to the doctor. What are you afraid of, leeches? Oscar: It wouldn't surprise me, the old quack. You just want me out of the house. Emma: Well, yes. But you should go to the doctor. Oscar: Why don't you go have a checkup? Emma: I go to the doctor twice a year. Oscar: You go to the city twice a year. For all I know, you're bowling. Emma: Yeah! That's why I go to the city. I'm in a secret biannual bowling league. You're going to the doctor. Oscar: Over my dead body. Emma: That'd speed things up. Lacey: He wants to visit me, see me or something. I don't know. Brent Leroy: Probably misses your decisiveness. You gonna be okay with this? Lacey: Yeah, of course. Why wouldn't I be? He's a great guy. Excuse me. Hank: Poor Lacey. This Stephen guy's obviously a stalker. Brent: He's her ex fiance. Think you're jumpin' the gun a bit? Hank: Maybe. But maybe I'm jumpin' the right gun. Brent: Don't point your pickle at me. Davis Quinton: Proper billy club use, Karen, that's the secret. I find it helps if you give your billy club a name. You know what I call mine? Karen Pelly: Billy? Davis: Anyways, a billy club is a cop's best friend. Karen: I thought you said a gun was a cop's best friend. Davis: A gun is more like a cop's lover. There's some things you tell your gun that you would never tell a lover. And sometimes your lover and best friend don't get along, or you go out with one and the other gets mad at you because you didn't go out with it. Karen: You're divorced, right? Brent: How's the inventory going? Wanda Dollard: I'm little behind. Thanks for dumping it on me. Brent: Delegating. I delegated. Wanda: What's the difference? Brent: I'm not sure. Look it up for me. Hank: Listen, I've been thinking about this a lot, we gotta protect Lacey from her ex. Brent: She just told us two minutes ago. Wanda: Two minutes of thinking is a lot for Hank. Did you say her ex? Hank: Yeah, he's a veterinarian. Brent: He's not a veterinarian. Hank: I thought you said he was a veterinarian. Brent: You said he was...he's just coming here for a visit. Hank: That's just what Kolchak would want us to think. Wanda: That's his name, Kolchak? Brent: No, his name is Stephen. Kolchak was "Kolchak the Night Stalker." Hank: TV show, Darren McGavin. See, I'm inferring that the guy's a stalker by callin' him Kolchak. Hank: No, you're implying he's a stalker. I'm inferring you're an idiot. Brent: Hey, let's not use that word. Hank: Idiot? Brent: No, stalker. Hank: Oh. We need a plan to deal with this guy. Let him know that we know, you know? Wanda: No. Hank: Here's what we'll do. Brent: It's not gonna work, Hank. I won't pretend to be Lacey's boyfriend. Hank: That's not what I was gonna say. Brent: Oh. Wanda: It does sound like something Hank would come up with. Brent: There's no need to insult me. Hank: You know, the fact that you find that insulting, I find insulting. Brent: I can live with that. Wanda: Me too. Hank: Okay, well, so can I. I was just gonna suggest a good old fashioned beating. Or we put on the cloaks and pretend to sacrifice him for the crops, you know, scare him off. Wanda: Brent as Lacey's boyfriend. Now that's something I'd like to see. You're thinking about it right now, aren't ya? Brent: Hang on a sec. Okay, I'm back. Wanda: I gotta go with Brent here Hank. We can't assume this guy's a stalker. Hank: It makes sense. That's the real reason why Lacey came to Dog River. Brent: So, her aunt dying and leaving her the restaurant was an elaborate cover story. Hank: You see? Brent gets it. Emma: You're going to the doctor Oscar and that's the end of it. Brent: Yeah, that's the end of it. What are we talking about? Emma: Your father won't see a doctor. Oscar: He'll just gonna poke and prod me because he can. I knew it. They get you there so they can touch ya, all over the place. Brent: That's why people go to med school, so they can feel up old men, you know, legally. Oscar: Plumbers in lab coats. Emma: You love plumbers. Oscar: There's no upside to me going to the doctor. I'm an old man. So, what are they gonna tell me? The best case scenario is they tell me I'm an old man. Brent: Dad. Oscar: He's just gonna make somethin' up, tell me I'm sick, then I'll get sick and drop dead. Brent: You're confusing doctors and hypnotists. Dad, look, you're gonna be around for a long time. Oscar: How can you be so sure? Brent: Because I've angered the karma gods and you're my punishment. Oscar: A guy my age goes to the doctor and everyone assumes he's gonna get one of those blue pills. Everyone in town is gonna be saying how I can't get it... Brent: Dad! Emma: What's he talking about? Brent: Viagra. Emma: Oh, for Pete sake! Well, if you're going there anyway, you might as well ask. Brent: Oh, Mom! Emma: You're going to the doctor Oscar, that's all there is to it. Hank: I know what will scare off Kolchak. We'll pretend there's a lottery and the loser gets stoned to death. Wanda: I can't believe you read that story. Hank: What story? Wanda: Don't you have somewhere to be? Hank: I'm not going anywhere till I figure out how to help Lacey. Wanda: Why don't you pretend to be Lacey's boyfriend? Hank: Yeah. That makes more sense, doesn't it? Thanks, Wanda. Oscar: What's got your puss so sour? Brent: I'm just a little worried for Lacey with this Kolchak guy coming. Oscar: Kolchak? Brent: "Kolchak: The Night Stalker." It was a TV show. That's just what Hank calls him. Oscar: When was it on? Brent: The '70s. Forget it. Lacey's ex fiance is coming for a visit. Oscar: Who played him? Brent: What? Oh, Darren McGavin. Oscar: The guy from "The Fugitive?" Brent: No, that was David Janssen. Oscar: Okay, okay. And his name's Kolchak? Brent: Just drop the Kolchak thing. Oscar: Fine. Well, if you're worried about this guy, when he gets into town, we should lay a beating on him. Simple. Brent: You're simple. Forget I mentioned it. And don't say anything to Lacey. Oscar: Gotcha. Oscar: Lacey, what's goin' on with this fiance of yours? And what do you want us to do? Lacey: Nothing. Don't do anything to Stephen. Oscar: Who the hell is Stephen? Lacey: My ex fiance. Oscar: How many times were you engaged? Brent: Dad! Lacey: Look, you guys, just let me talk to him, okay? He's an old friend. It'll be fine. Really, I'm fine. Brent: Is that why you're pouring gravy on apple pie? Lacey: What? It's good. Look, you guys, when Stephen gets here, just treat him normally, okay? And no ridiculous schemes. Lacey: Hank, do whatever you can to help me. Hank: Understood. Davis: Oscar, can I have a word with you, outside? Lacey: Hank, remember, no ridiculous schemes. Did I say that already? Brent: You did. But you really can't overemphasize it. Lacey: No ridiculous schemes. Karen: Sir, do you know how fast you were going back there? Stephen: Uh, 97? Karen: That's a relief. Radar gun's workin'. Thanks for your co-operation. Stephen: Okay. Hey, I'm here to visit Lacey Burrows. Karen: She's, uh...sorry about that. Brent: Hey, do you want to talk about it? Lacey: Stephen and I were together for a couple years. I broke it off. Brent: What happened? Lacey: I don't know. He just wasn't the one, I guess. I liked him, you know. He was stable. We had a good time together and we laughed a lot. Brent: Good thing you dumped that loser. Lacey: He was just...oh, he was just so forgiving. You know? I mean you could treat him badly and he'd say "I'm sorry." Brent: Heartless bastard! Lacey: Do you think there is something wrong with me? Brent: No, other than that you'll never be happy, or satisfied, probably die alone, house full of cats. Lacey: Funny. Really, though, do you think there's something wrong with me? Brent: Not if you listen to your gut. If your gut told you to leave Stephen, you did the right thing. Always listen to your gut. Mine's saying "chili cheese dog." Karen: I got someone here who says he knows you. Lacey: Stephen! Stephen: Hey. Lacey: It's good to see you. Oscar: I think Lacey's really worried about this Kolchak guy. Davis: That's his name, Kojak? Oscar: No, it's David or Darren. He's just like that Kojak guy on TV. You know the show, right? Davis: What cop doesn't? So this guy's bald? Oscar: Yeah, I guess. Brent said this guy might be a fugitive or somethin'. But he's not worried. Davis: Brent can be a little too trusting. Oscar: He doesn't know how the world works, not the way I do. I watch the news from Detroit. Lacey: Ah, this is my friend, Brent Leroy. Brent: Hi, there. Why did you escort him? Karen: Broke his taillight. Brent: Ah, the old broken taillight routine. Lacey: You didn't have to break his taillight. Karen: It was an accident. Lacey: Sure it was. Oscar: Brent's always been naive. I blame his mother for I don't know, for... Davis: Mothering him? Oscar: Yeah. That's it, exactly. Davis: Some people never grow up, never learn how to take care of themselves. Oscar: Yeah. Do we have to do this? Davis: I promised Emma I'd take you to the doctor's. Oscar: Are the cuffs necessary? Davis: You did take a swing at me. Lacey: So, are you hungry? Stephen: Uh, yeah, actually, a little bit. Brent: She makes a mean chili cheese dog. Stephen: That sounds great. Lacey: But, Stephen, your stomach. Stephen: Oh. Maybe Brent and I could just split one. Brent: What do you mean? Stephen: You know, half one, each have half. Brent: I don't follow. Stephen: Just share one. Brent: Um, two chili cheese dogs, please. Stephen: You know what? Actually, I'll just have a coffee. Brent: Suit yourself. Two chili cheese dogs, please. Hank: Lacey, honey, how are ya? Do you want to introduce me? Lacey: Yeah, to toothpaste. Hank: Oh. So this is your ex fiance, the one that let you get away? Lacey: This is Hank and, uh, he's posing as my boyfriend because, well, he's an idiot. Hank: Did she, did she used to do that with you, you know, pretend you weren't a couple? It's the cutest thing, really. Although, you know, if she broke up with me, I wouldn't stalk her. Lacey: Okay, Brent? Brent: I'm on it. Hank: What? This was your idea. Lacey: This is where I live now. Wanda: How'd it go? Brent: Hank kissed Lacey. Wanda: People always get hurt. Dammit, why didn't I stop it?! Stephen: So this is Saskatchewan, huh? This is the Ruby. Lacey: Yeah. Stephen: I missed you. lacey: I missed you too. Stephen: How did it end? Lacey: I left without telling you and phoned your parents to say the wedding was off. Stephen: Right. Lacey: I'm gonna go get that coffee now. Stephen: Yeah. Davis: I want you to be on the lookout for someone. Karen: Okay. Who should I be on the lookout for? Davis: A bald man who's stalking Lacey, some kind of fugitive. Karen: Oh, my god, that's horrible! And on the same day her ex fiance arrived. Davis: The guy stalkin' her is her ex fiance. Karen: And I took him right there. Davis: Let's roll. Davis: Mr. Kojak, meet my friend, Billy. Karen: And this is my friend, Jennifer. Stephen: Why are you calling me Mr. Kojak? Ah! Lacey: So, all in all, I find people pretty friendly here in Dog River. What are you doing?! Davis: Arresting this fugitive. Lacey: He is not a criminal. Karen: Oh, no? Then why is he disguised and wearin' a toupee? Stephen: What? This is not a toupee! Karen: So it's a hair system. Whatever helps you live with yourself. Lacey: Look, there's been some sort of mistake. Davis: Lacey, right now you're hurting. Your world's upside down. We have community outreach volunteers who will help you get through this. Community Worker: Well, you sure can pick 'em. What, are you stupid? Karen: Just let us do our job, Lacey. Davis: Let's go. Lacey: I'll straighten this out, Stephen. Lacey: Brent, Davis just hauled Stephen off in the police car. Brent: He has to go to the doctor? Wanda: What? Hank: Look honey, if you need a shoulder to cry on, I'm always here for ya. Lacey: You are so close to getting a knee in the balls. Hank: So it's over between us then? Stephen: You know, I don't want to get anyone in trouble here, but you, you have to charge me or release me. Davis: Why don't we just have a little talk first. We don't need a lawyer. Stephen: Okay. Davis: That's pretty suspicious. Most innocent people ask for a lawyer. Stephen: Really? Davis: What do you do, Stephen? Stephen: I'm a lawyer. Hey, should I be able to see her? Davis: They put the one-way glass in the wrong way. Stephen: I see. Davis: You can come in now, Karen. Karen? Brent: But why would they arrest Stephen? Lacey: They said he was some kind of bald fugitive stalker. It makes no sense. Brent: Strangely, it makes perfect sense. Oscar: There ya are. Brent: Oh, hey, Dad, how was the doctor? Oscar: Great, ya jackass. I'm healthy. Emma: We heard you haven't seen a doctor in quite a while either. Brent: It hasn't been that long. Doctor: So, Brent, I see you had a birthday. You're getting to be a pretty big boy. Yes, you are. Brent: A year, a year and a half. Emma: Well, guess what? We booked you an appointment. They're waiting for you now. Brent: Isn't there a health care crisis? Emma: Do you want me to call Davis? Brent: Now's not a good time. Oscar: Oh, I can't wait to hear this. Brent: Lacey's ex fiance has been arrested for...I don't know what for. Oscar: That should make you happy, goin' on like he's some kinda stalker. Brent: I did not. Oscar: You did too. Hank: And it was Brent's idea someone pretend to be Lacey's boyfriend. Wanda: Hank's not exactly lying. Hank: That's the nicest thing you've ever said about me. Lacey: Brent? Brent: You're all lucky I have a doctor's appointment. Hank: I just wanted to beat this Stephen guy up. Oscar: See? Now that's a plan. Or maybe get cloaks and sacrifice him for the crops. Wanda: You mean "pretend to sacrifice him to the crops." Oscar: That's right, pretend. Davis: That's it. I've had enough. Karen: Davis, no! Stephen: Why don't I just take a look at it, huh? Emma: Hello? Is anybody here? Davis: We're in here. Lacey: Are you okay? Stephen: Oh, I'm fine, yeah. I'm helping fix the intercom. Lacey: Oh, that is so like you. You should be threatening to sue. Davis: I don't see what he can sue about. Lacey: Wrongful arrest, for one. Davis: Well I was under the impression that you were being chased by a bald man. Oscar: Yeah, the Kojak guy. You know, "Night Rider." Emma: No, "Kolchak: The Night Stalker." It was a TV show. Brent used to watch it. Karen: He was a fugitive. Lacey: No, he was a reporter who stalked vampires. Emma: That's it. Enough of the TV guide crossword puzzles. Davis, let him go. Davis: OK, but I still have to give you a ticket for the busted taillight. Stephen: What? Karen: Yeah. Um, Davis? Davis: Not now, Karen. Lacey: Could you not have run his name through a computer? Davis: Yeah, well, 20/20 hindsight. Karen: Plus the money we had to update the computer we used to redo the interrogation room. Davis: Yeah, it still has a few kinks. The intercom doesn't work, the one-way mirror was put in the wrong way, and the door locks from the wrong side. So, anybody see any good movies? Paul Kinistino: So, how was the doctor? Brent: Well, I hate to admit, but Dad was right. The guy is basically a plumber. Paul: Did he give you... Brent: Oh, yeah. He put the pro in prostate. Paul: Well, it's gotta be done. Brent: I just wish he wasn't so enthusiastic about it, you know? He went at me like he was trying to get the last pickle out of the jar. Sorry. Lacey: I'm sorry for what happened to you. I know, I mean I feel kinda responsible. Stephen: No. Lacey: Bearing in mind that nothing would have happened if you had stayed in Toronto. Stephen: I really needed to see you, to make sure I was over you. I, I've met someone else and I'm gonna get married. I needed to make sure when I saw you, that there were no sparks and... Lacey: Stephen, it's over. Okay? Get it through your head. You just said you're marrying somebody else? Stephen: Unless my parents receive another phone call. Listen, it was really nice to see you, Lacey. And give me a call when you move back to Toronto. Lacey: If. Stephen: Good bye, Lacey. Lacey: Bye. Brent: Bye. Stephen: See ya. Brent: Have fun killing one-armed vampires in your robot car. So, how did he take it? Lacey: He'll be fine. Stephen: Really, officer, another police officer broke my taillight. Oscar: Hey, have you seen your mother? Brent: She had a doctor's appointment in the city. Emma: Yes! Category:Transcripts